Child Ignores Parents’ Curfew

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlg-GRhHMjOAFylz1I7_oZye2w8yUt3NZf9t_XRoR3piOAUFfNlKeepTeIY_20E-RquKzdty3RGgkUo8egUS1zeQ_pw63cl9JuR9R-D7i5bcAQomu27x6woUUSGKIaxXP7qh4n990bk1lo/s1600/angry-child-boy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlg-GRhHMjOAFylz1I7_oZye2w8yUt3NZf9t_XRoR3piOAUFfNlKeepTeIY_20E-RquKzdty3RGgkUo8egUS1zeQ_pw63cl9JuR9R-D7i5bcAQomu27x6woUUSGKIaxXP7qh4n990bk1lo/s640/angry-child-boy.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />SAINT PAUL, MN—A young child has disobeyed his parents’ curfew for him. The young boy, named Elliot Warner, was “five minutes late” according to his parents, David and Jill Warner. “We’re very disappointed with our son. He has never stayed out past curfew, not even for his friend’s birthday party.” As punishment, Elliot must go without television and video games for a week. “This is his first offense. If he does it again, the punishment will only be worse. He has been acting up a lot lately, though.” He told his parents that he wanted to buy some Juicy Fruit gum at his corner store, but he had to wait in line. “It doesn’t matter that he was late because of a line. He should have calculated the time it took per person to come to the conclusion that he would be late if he waited in line.” Our best wishes to both Elliot and his parents. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o fa-lg"></i>

Child Ignores Parents’ Curfew

SAINT PAUL, MN—A young child has disobeyed his parents’ curfew for him. The young boy, named Elliot Warner, was “five minutes late” accordin...

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Twitter Announces Free Birds for Everyone

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc6mN-770yogNM6mK9d7fNnCG0IP0UYz3u4nTwiWZ6mlt6Z5Z7IoeRHk_VjqmUfI2_YW5sevP6gz3hoOu1w3agDSuuktKdoQqVaVzM7y-eBXIGvDqUSvcP7h2wPuveV9AT0l9fXRf4adYx/s1600/Old_woman_feeding_birds.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc6mN-770yogNM6mK9d7fNnCG0IP0UYz3u4nTwiWZ6mlt6Z5Z7IoeRHk_VjqmUfI2_YW5sevP6gz3hoOu1w3agDSuuktKdoQqVaVzM7y-eBXIGvDqUSvcP7h2wPuveV9AT0l9fXRf4adYx/s640/Old_woman_feeding_birds.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Twitter, a major social networking platform, announced that they will be providing free birds for everyone who signs up after August 1^st of this year. Twitter co-founder, Ev Williams, stated that, “People who own birds seem happier than those who don’t. Since our logo is a bird, we feel it’s necessary to give a free bird to anybody who signs up. We’re currently in the process of gathering up as many birds as we can before August 1^st.” It’s a kind gesture on Twitter’s part, but there is more to the story. Time and time again, Facebook tops most all social networking. Twitter feels a new reigning champion should be crowned—one that gives birds away for free. If their plan works, it’s likely that they will see their member count rise far beyond what Facebook could ever achieve. Unfortunately, in order to receive a bird, you must <i>sign up</i> after August 1^st, so accounts that are already active will not be eligible to receive a bird. However, you are free to create a new account. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o fa-lg"></i>

Twitter Announces Free Birds for Everyone

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Twitter, a major social networking platform, announced that they will be providing free birds for everyone who signs up af...

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New Sports Medicine Treatment

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg90TQGHxQ7lkZoN8-jOhiPbMr-Cq1k_AeBYUkNVcUvZunAm0fhUgVNbpeSPf9QQnhnYbWF9rttkIPDsYfT4zbMUZKnj6velomOmMHHerlnagoCpQSbHlSE0CwQ1tZaTADhv_RwWFeISAGh/s1600/medicine-pills-203147-1920x1200.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg90TQGHxQ7lkZoN8-jOhiPbMr-Cq1k_AeBYUkNVcUvZunAm0fhUgVNbpeSPf9QQnhnYbWF9rttkIPDsYfT4zbMUZKnj6velomOmMHHerlnagoCpQSbHlSE0CwQ1tZaTADhv_RwWFeISAGh/s640/medicine-pills-203147-1920x1200.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">MIAMI, FL—Doctors in Miami have found a groundbreaking procedure to immediately cure almost all sports-related injuries. The doctor in charge of the research is Dr. Thomas O<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>Fulp, and he<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>s very excited to finally introduce the procedure to the public. "We've been working on this procedure for almost a decade now. We finally broke new ground and we<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>re ready to share it with the public."</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Dr. O<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>Fulp has already performed over 2,000 of these procedures—many of them on star athletes. “The best thing about this procedure,” O'Fulp told us, “is that you can even do it at home. You<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>ll need to buy our starter kit for $99.99 and any additional equipment ranges from $10 to $10,000.” That may seem expensive, but you<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>ll likely pay more if you were to visit a local hospital according to O<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>Fulp. The kit includes their proprietary back scratcher, foot massager, pill bottle, instruction sheet, and their Magic Wand™. Don<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>t worry—the contents of the starter kit have all been deemed safe to use by Dr. O<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>Fulp himself.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">“I can<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>t stress enough how great it is to finally be able to share this with the public. With only a few dollars down, any sports related injury you have can be cured in seconds.” Of course, there will be skeptics, but the only way to find out if it works or not is to pick one up yourself. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o fa-lg"></i></div>

New Sports Medicine Treatment

MIAMI, FL—Doctors in Miami have found a groundbreaking procedure to immediately cure almost all sports-related injuries. The doctor in charg...

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Music Companies Fighting Piracy

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCdTP4JC-nsxxLo9B2ZVizSfT1Zq_BYNX4EDwTpqDu9ampbekS4pJ4qFIC3vKL0uoB1OpVHm_7_iCL8_Fmss-pDEUP8IsoTLI7aLHSBoy57y8fOL_tzsOk7wGaOTYew30S_X22QX8L9fBb/s1600/3035-pirate-ships-1920x1200-fantasy-wallpaper.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCdTP4JC-nsxxLo9B2ZVizSfT1Zq_BYNX4EDwTpqDu9ampbekS4pJ4qFIC3vKL0uoB1OpVHm_7_iCL8_Fmss-pDEUP8IsoTLI7aLHSBoy57y8fOL_tzsOk7wGaOTYew30S_X22QX8L9fBb/s640/3035-pirate-ships-1920x1200-fantasy-wallpaper.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Several music producers have banded together to fight piracy, our sources informed us earlier today. They claim that “piracy as a huge problem and needs to be halted.” Their spokesman, Richard Wagner, told us, “Ships sailing on the open sea shouldn<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>t be worrying about pirates. They have enough to worry about.” It<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>s nice to see that people are finally taking a stance towards piracy. The FBI and NSA have tried countless times to take down The Pirate Bay—a hub for pirates to discuss their pirating tactics—but to no avail. The group, knows as the Anti-Piracy Commission, or APC, hopes to launch several ships on the open sea to spot potential pirate ships. If they find one, they will use their modified cruise ship to blow it out of the water—literally. “We have a zero-tolerance policy against pirate ships,” Wagner stated in a press conference earlier this week. “If you see one, blow it the fuck up.” Let this be a solid warning to all pirates sailing on the open seas. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o fa-lg"></i></div>

Music Companies Fighting Piracy

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Several music producers have banded together to fight piracy, our sources informed us earlier today. They claim that “pira...

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Dust to Overwhelm Devices Everywhere

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfrK5lt9j08b1x37T5_07qEJq1IDjGVlrh1JZ-56LHW1UcEBG9jGiOzfRAa0s-25gxXicW8SO7NlFG_ekCp0bBquzrhBWym2fTZYt6fKfaQpVJehBwe35Fv9Od2hxLdeTq5cEkBelJX8Lc/s1600/dust-46_00253357.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfrK5lt9j08b1x37T5_07qEJq1IDjGVlrh1JZ-56LHW1UcEBG9jGiOzfRAa0s-25gxXicW8SO7NlFG_ekCp0bBquzrhBWym2fTZYt6fKfaQpVJehBwe35Fv9Od2hxLdeTq5cEkBelJX8Lc/s640/dust-46_00253357.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />EVERYWHERE—Dust has been around for millions of years. Large companies such as Samsung, Apple, LG, and more have been creating electronic devices for only a few years. They didn’t know what they were getting into.<br /><br />Devices everywhere are constantly being plagued by dust. It doesn’t matter if you’re the best, most cautious smart device owner in the world: you will encounter dust. In fact, dust is constantly attacking both you and the devices you own. Remember that scratch on your phone you don’t remember getting? That was dust. Remember when you sneezed twelve times in a row? Yep, dust. Remember how you had to put your cat down because you thought you were allergic to it? None other than dust. Dust has caused all of these problems, and we<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>ve been submissive for far too long. Smart device owners everywhere are constantly in fear of dust when they apply screen protectors. It only takes one dust particle to ruin your entire life.<br /><br />We asked dust why it<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>s so hostile, and it told us that “it may be tiny, but people need to start to respect it.” Well dust, we respect you. So please, stop being annoying and let us finally be worry free. It<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>s only a matter of time before dust overwhelms us all. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o fa-lg"></i></div>

Dust to Overwhelm Devices Everywhere

EVERYWHERE—Dust has been around for millions of years. Large companies such as Samsung, Apple, LG, and more have been creating electronic de...

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Bill Cosby Running for President

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqt1SOqvFURc-AxyHAb8iLqtAFI_9dQCJcKQ7xrEP3Xh3duQe-uG9sdhXBKIRyrULKwP1GeZsbYSht4mQtJ8YG6mpRx1nP37Q-JBDbspcPW7ktOlzyxvRUyssnYlZDSEs_n8bolzVmxXlU/s1600/bill-cosby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqt1SOqvFURc-AxyHAb8iLqtAFI_9dQCJcKQ7xrEP3Xh3duQe-uG9sdhXBKIRyrULKwP1GeZsbYSht4mQtJ8YG6mpRx1nP37Q-JBDbspcPW7ktOlzyxvRUyssnYlZDSEs_n8bolzVmxXlU/s640/bill-cosby.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>SHELBURNE, MA—Long-time comedian and actor Bill Cosby announced his candidacy today. We asked him why he decided to run so late, and he replied, “I<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>ve always wanted to be president. I didn<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>t know if I had it in me until recently.” We weren<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>t sure exactly what he meant by that, so we decided to ask him once more. “I<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>ve been accused of raping women. We cannot have a president that hasn<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>t been accused of some crime. I<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>m ahead of the pack.” That<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>s true, Cosby is definitely ahead of the pack. And with our current president being African American, it<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; white-space: pre-wrap;">’</span>s likely that Cosby will win. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o fa-lg"></i></div></div>

Bill Cosby Running for President

SHELBURNE, MA—Long-time comedian and actor Bill Cosby announced his candidacy today. We asked him why he decided to run so late, and he repl...

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You Should Wait an Hour Before Swimming

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0N3Sn77zR2LWoBN_w0TU9cLxtcB3kPEV8g2HsxVFlAn8Isl0ZdMIe8g4gcT0fq2NwgdQvHOO798nzb3xJmVrzVXWuUu69N9GM1NJQiyxTfCOyWWL2hTO8jMMO9xUprCeNgc8CIBRdfoTp/s1600/111385_best-swimming-pools-wallpapers-fantastic_1600x1000.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0N3Sn77zR2LWoBN_w0TU9cLxtcB3kPEV8g2HsxVFlAn8Isl0ZdMIe8g4gcT0fq2NwgdQvHOO798nzb3xJmVrzVXWuUu69N9GM1NJQiyxTfCOyWWL2hTO8jMMO9xUprCeNgc8CIBRdfoTp/s640/111385_best-swimming-pools-wallpapers-fantastic_1600x1000.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>You eat a giant Thanksgiving meal at your favorite Aunt’s house. She’s pretty wealthy and has this gargantuan pool in her backyard. For some odd reason, it’s 96o in November. You were so hungry that you ate a whole turkey all by yourself. You’re a big boy now. You probably gained like six pounds, but whatever. I’m sure you’ll just burn those calories off by swimming. But wait. You just ate. Like five minutes ago. You can’t go swimming yet! Bad things will happen! But you don’t care. You’re a rebel. You remember hearing that it’s a myth to have to wait an hour. But where did you hear it from? NASA? The crazy guy on the corner of your street? Wait… the crazy guy on the corner of your street… yes… that was it. But he has a PhD! In Philosophy! Stop digressing. The fact of the matter is, you’re stuffed and basically dehydrated. That water looks so cool and fresh. You can’t wait, so you start to climb the ladder into the pool. A metal shard awaits your hand, and you slowly press the shard into your bare skin. To top it all off, it’s a rusty shard. You fall off the ladder and land in such a way that your ankle rolls and you topple over. Bleeding hand, swollen ankle. That’s not what you wanted at all. It can’t get any worse, right? Wrong. On your way to the hospital, a car collides with yours and, because you were so full, you didn’t wear a seatbelt. Mistake. As you are forcefully ejected from the car, you can see your best friend Bill working at the hot dog stand on the corner. Time has slowed down. Your demise is imminent. Not quite. Bill tosses twenty bags of buns and you break your fall on them. Nice guy, right? Wrong. That was only a dream. Time doesn’t slow down, bub. You actually flew out and banged your head on a traffic light. Pretty severe head trauma. That was just a coma dream. Sorry. Oh, what? You also have tetanus? That’s really unfortunate. Injured hand, broken ankle, head trauma. You should have waited that hour before getting in the pool. <i class="fa fa-newspaper-o fa-lg"></i>

You Should Wait an Hour Before Swimming

You eat a giant Thanksgiving meal at your favorite Aunt’s house. She’s pretty wealthy and has this gargantuan pool in her backyard. For some...

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